“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” —Ernest Hemingway
I haven't updated my blog since the week before my world came crashing down with the loss of my mother.
That was a little over 2 years ago.
These past couple of years have been hard. I lost the person who meant the most to me. I no longer had to worry about her care or how I was going to juggle all the decisions. No one needed me. The roll of a care giver is all encompassing and when it is stripped away from you, when you no longer can identify through someone else's needs, you are lost and broken. Life has been unbalanced since my mother passed away. I go through the motions of living without really progressing. I am trying to fill the void with things that bring me joy and patiently wait for living to take hold of my soul.
Some days are still overwhelming and facing the world takes all my will power but I am moving forward even if it is at a snail's pace. I know with time that the pain does get easier. I've been through this before. Life, as the proverbial saying states, goes on.
The biggest source of strength and helping to ease the pain has come from my adoptive families and amazing friends. I am incredibly thankful for the friend's that have taken me into their families and treat me as one of their own. They have taken over for the people that share my blood and who seem to have forgotten my existence. I wouldn't have half the strength to keep moving forward without their love, support, and guidance. I owe them more than words could ever express. I love you all.
Another major part of trying to heal my soul is my running family and running goals. I am still chipping away at my goal to run a half marathon in every state. I am in the countdown mode with 18 states to go! I have some amazing friends that make these adventures worth all the torture, err I mean fun times! These ladies are my lifeline and solemates. I love our crazy adventures and can't wait for all the fun times to come.
While I am workin on my soul, the rest of me has been sorely neglected. Since my mom moved into the nursing home in late 2014, I stopped caring what I ate or whether or not I exercised. Sure I was (and am) doing monthly half marathons, heck I even ran 2 marathons during this stretch, but the rest of the time found me parked in mom's chair being a sloth, munching on something, and snuggled with a pupper. I was eating to mask the pain and fill the void. I didn't want to cook for just me. Stopping for fast food or ordering something was easier. I watched my weight balloon up (AGAIN) but didn't care. There was nothing in me that wanted to spark a change. I was wallowing in sorrow and I deserved that treat. Fast forward to my last half, it was hot and I was tried of dragging this carcass around. Tired of (you got it) going through the motions.
I gave myself a week to get all the unhealthy food out of my house (I'm not wasting food so bring on the bread and chicken nuggets). And on Oct 8th, the 2nd anniversary of mom's death, I started my lifestyle change. That morning when I stood on the scale and realized I now weighed more than the first time I decided to lose weight, that I was embarrassed. Embarrassed at what my mother would think, embarrassed that I allowed this to happen, and worst of all embarrassed at who I had become and what the grief had done. I needed to change. Change is hard but right now, I need hard. I need to be hard on myself again and stop making excuses by going through the motions. This too will help to heal my soul and help me find myself again.
Back in the day when I first lost weight, I decided to stop eating all the white starchy foods (flour, sugar, potatoes, rice, etc). I lost enough weight that I felt comfortable joining a gym and slowly eating some of these foods again. Over time, I did great losing more and being at a happy place. So I am doing this again but using what I learned from the first journey and eating foods that are going to keep me full longer. I am once again cutting carbs. I'm not going full on Keto because let's face it, I still want to eat bananas and some other foods that are big no-nos. But I don't need bread 3 times a day or chicken strips and french fries every day either. I am picking healthier options. I am cooking again.
I made it through the first week and almost the second week. I kept my carbs around an average of 50 grams per day which for me is pretty much shocking my system. I couldn't even tell you how many carbs I was ingesting per day but I would imagine it was more than the daily recommended amount.
This isn't going to be an easy journey. The holidays are coming. They bring with them lots of starchy foods that I will stare longingly at from across the room. But I need to do this for me. I need to focus on rebuilding my outside too.
So the blog is making a comeback. I am making a comeback. Stay tuned for future installments!
Weight Day 1 (10/8/18): 336.2 (YIKES)
Weight Week 1 (10/15/18): 326.4
Lost: 9.8
