Saturday, September 27, 2014

Dopey Training: I am SO behind and possibly screwed!

This has been a rough summer.  

I haven't been training.  

It sucks.

I may be screwed....

I am slowly getting back on the running path.  I am trying not to freak out that training for my very first marathon has gone off the track.  But it really was beyond my control.

My mom has been ill for most of this year.  She has been in and out of the hospital with various ailments.  July/August/September have been particularly rough, extremely emotional and all-around dreadful.  At some point in this period, she had a stroke(s) which exacerbated her dementia.  My once very independent mother no longer can do anything for herself.  She is unable walk.  She can't really carry-on a conversation.  She is reverting back to childlike behavior.  Even simple task such as brushing her hair, teeth or feeding herself require assistance.  It has all be incredibly painful to watch.  As her only child, all her care has fallen to me.  I tried to keep her at home for as long as possible but I couldn't do it anymore.  I was forced to place her in a nursing home.  It killed me.  

However, she is doing better and trying to settle into her new home; probably more for me than herself!   She misses her dogs terribly and unfortunately I can't take them on the days they are allowed to visit.  However, I am planning to at least get them all together for a little snuggle time outside before the weather turns bad.  I know this will put a smile on her face.  She is always so happy to see me.  It makes me feel a little less guilty that I had to put her somewhere.  A little.  But I know it is for the best.  For both of us.  

Needless to say, running was the furthest thing from my mind. I had no help so being away from home was impossible.  In home care is freaking expensive and I could only afford to cover my work hours.  I was so thankful for one morning away to make meals at Time for Dinner (FYI, if you live in STL check it out)!  That was a Godsend!  But there was absolutely no way I would ever ask friends to come stay with mom so I could run.  That just seemed really selfish.  So there went my training. And truthfully, I didn't care.  I was/am overwhelmed.  I was barely treading water between work and home.  (Work there is another overwhelming story for another time.)

But mom is in great hands and being well taken care of now.  So I am getting back out there.  I ran a half marathon in Philly last weekend!  It wasn't pretty and I had to walk a bunch but I finished!  I did a 5k today.  Slowly but surely I am getting back out there and enjoying myself.  I am trying to dig up the passion once again.  It is still down in my soul.  It just has a bunch of crap on top of it.  I am starting to see the treasure again!  I am still incredibly overwhelmed but trying to push myself back out there.  After all, the roads are calling!

Stay tuned blog world!  The rest of my training may not be pretty but I am not giving up on myself.  My mom wouldn't want me to.